The need of belonging to a group
People have a need to feel they belong to someone or something, to a smaller or larger group. This can be family, friends, peer groups, political allies, professional circles, clubs, or nations… to have their own “crew.”
This is normal, but it comes with a price. To be accepted in a group, we must share the group’s values, beliefs, and norms of behavior… otherwise, we risk rejection. People find it hard to bear rejection, even the unspoken threat of it that might only exist in their minds. Most fear reality testing, questioning their beliefs that they will be rejected by a group if they do not conform to the stated or unstated expectations.
The question is, however, how deep and authentic is the sense of belonging that is based on the fear of rejection?
The need to belong to a significant group can limit our freedom of choice, opinion, and perception of reality. It can also lead us to be unjust or even cruel to others if that aligns with the values and beliefs of the group we want to belong to. Doing harm to others who do not belong to the group—whom the group considers enemies or traitors—is common among members of groups that are founded on the fear of rejection and punishment.
Unfortunately, it seems that there are more and more groups that base their homogeneity on fear. If I think differently, for instance, from the mainstream opinion of my profession, my colleagues will reject me.
“Better to stay silent. Even better to attack dissenters, as this will show my loyalty to the group, and no one will suspect that I doubt any values or beliefs of the group. If I fear rejection, the more I doubt, the more radical I will be in condemning those who openly question or hold different opinions. God forbid anyone suspects me. I must proudly proclaim how righteous and loyal I am. I do this most visibly by attacking the ‘traitors of the group,’ the ‘designated enemies’ of the group: ‘I am a good child, I am loyal and righteous,’ I shout, committing injustice and often evil against others. Not because I am evil, but out of the need to belong to a group where belonging is conditioned by obedience and fear of rejection and punishment.”To avoid seeing myself as rigid, dogmatic, blind to reality, and too obedient to think, I must strongly rationalize my harsh views, transforming them into some sort of ethical categorical imperatives that justify my behavior. The group’s beliefs that I obediently follow due to fear of rejection will be turned into a religion, into something that cannot be questioned or doubted. Thus, often, out of fear of rejection, intelligent people become foolish, benign individuals become malignant perpetrators, even leaders of inhumane actions of the groups to which they belong. And it all started so innocently, from a normal human need to belong.”
“Of course, not every group’s belonging is conditioned by the fear of rejection. There are also groups based on shared values such as truthfulness and respect for the autonomy of others. In such groups, one can express thoughts and feelings openly without the fear of being rejected. I often see this in therapeutic groups where people connect and free themselves from the fear of rejection acquired through previous experiences in groups that conditioned belonging through obedience. Such groups make individuals freer, smarter, and better. These kinds of groups can also be created… and that’s why I enjoy educational and psychotherapeutic work with groups of people. I write this after working with a group that is becoming such, inspiring me to reflect on this topic. I haven’t told you about how I saw the Yeti! Just people who become better in the group, for themselves and for others.”